August 2026Enthusiastic mediocrity. Epic memories.Edition No. 2
Noob League Gazette
Event #2 special editionOfficial final: Blue 43 — Red 41
Top story · scoring review
The Greatest Comeback That Never Happened
Fenner and KP won the finale two-against-three. The live scoreboard briefly gave them the event. Video review gave it back to Blue.
By the Noob League Gazette desk
The tape changed the winner. It did not change what everyone contributed.
For one perfect, ridiculous moment, Red had done it. Fenner and KP entered the final ARAM down nine event points and outnumbered three players to two. They needed nearly everything to go right. Then it did.
Fenner finished 12/6/10. KP went 12/6/6. Red took the objectives, broke the Nexus, and won the finale 12–2 in event points. The live total changed to Red 44 — Blue 43.
There was only one problem: the comeback had begun with three points Red never earned. The Round 1 end screen said Best Sleuth: No One. Video review removed the phantom points. Red's ARAM victory remained completely real. The event victory did not.
Champion BLUE 43
—
Final RED 41
Every Point Had a Player Behind It
Blue's full-event body of work survived the audit. Red's finale still forced every earlier contribution back into view.
CS2
The Server Boss
First Viking couldn't get into the server. Once he arrived, nobody could get him out.
Connection problems gave way to 27 kills and 10 MVP stars. Select the image for the full-resolution scoreboard.
27 kills10 MVP stars
Real life · Rocket League · ARAM
Woke the F*ck Up
Three hours of sleep. One Rocket League goal. Suddenly, Fenner was online.
Smoke from the nearby fire, photographed from Fenner's porch before Event #2. Photo courtesy of Fenner.The fire was not the joke. Then Fenner scored, and the lobby announced: “He's awake.” Select for full resolution.
Fenner finished Rocket League with six goals. Hours later he joined KP in the final ARAM two-against-three. They won. Fenner finished 12/6/10, and the comeback became real—even if the apparent championship did not survive review.
Across the board
The All-Around Problem
Swarley recorded 20 CS2 kills, six Rocket League goals, five legitimate Stick Scholars points, and a 5/6/6 ARAM line. Whatever game appeared next, he was already involved.
20 CS2 kills6 RL goals5 scholar points5/6/6 ARAM
Audit approved
The Points That Survived
Mankswolf's four Stick Scholars points had receipts. He added eight CS2 assists and a lobby-high 54,131 ARAM damage. It may have been Event #2's most audit-resistant résumé.
Four verified points remained on Blue's ledger. Select the image for the full-resolution result.Noob Spirit
Downloaded. Confused. Delightful.
Megles returned to Counter-Strike after years away and still recorded 14 kills. He then spent a significant portion of the next game believing everyone was asking him to download something called Six Dollars.
At one point, dad duty called over a report that there might be either a “bad man” or Batman in his son's room. Megles stepped away when he needed to and returned when he could. No penalty. No pressure. Real life first. That is Noob Spirit.
Technical difficulties
Eventually Functional
Bots filled the CS2 server. One participant fought them believing the event had started. Viking was denied access—then posted 27 kills once admitted.
“This is why we test things.”
Event #2 MVP Ballot
Six players. Six different cases. One extremely prestigious Discord poll.
🛡️ VIKING · Server Boss
27 CS2 kills
10 MVP stars
Two victories
🔥 FENNER · 2v3 Closer
Six Rocket League goals
12/6/10 ARAM
2v3 winning lineup
🃏 SWARLEY · All-Around Problem
20 CS2 kills
Six RL goals
Five scholar points
🎓 MANKSWOLF · Academic Weapon
Four scholar points
Eight CS2 assists
54,131 ARAM damage
🎮 MEGLES · Downloaded & Dangerous
14 CS2 kills
One scholar point
Eventful download
🧾 KP · Under Review
18 CS2 kills
Six RL goals
12/6/6 in 2v3
CAST YOUR VOTE: dominance, versatility, clutch play, utility, impact—or some personal definition of valuable that cannot be audited.
Previously in Noob League
🔥 Furious: Event #1 MVP
88% headshots. CS2 series clincher. Inaugural MVP. Furious captured three of four votes—75% of the ballot.
The first crown has been claimed. Select for full resolution.
Stock Up / Stock Down
A completely legitimate Noob League market report.
▲ VIDEO REVIEW Institutional confidence is at an all-time high.
▼ STOCK DOWN
▼ KP ACCOUNTING Down three points following an unexpected audit.
▼ RED CHAMPIONSHIP STOCK Reached an all-time high before a sudden correction.
▼ SERVER INFRASTRUCTURE Volatile throughout the session.
MARKET NOTE: Trading was briefly halted while the Commissioner checked the spreadsheet.
Six Dollars
The game nobody could name became the game everyone had to review.
Stick Scholars became “Six Scholars.” Six Scholars became “Six Dollars.” Then Megles finally broke through: “Oh, Stick Scholars. Oh my god. I thought you guys were saying six dollars.”
The lobby called it Six Dollars. The official game—and eventually the championship review—had other ideas. Comic generated by AI, aka KP.
The comic is a fictional recreation. Its characters, team names, scores, suspensions, and Review Board are jokes—not the official Event #2 record.
The Analyst Desk
Professional esports analysis from the least regulated broadcast team in gaming.
Tactical breakthrough
“It's like we're playing with tactics.”
ANALYSIS: Coordinated play has entered the meta. Further study required.Broadcast review
“That was hard to watch.” “Like a horror movie?”
ANALYSIS: CS2 spectator mode reveals the ugly truth—we might be noobs.Industry outlook
“Rocket League is more entertaining than actual real sports.”
ANALYSIS: Traditional athletics declined to comment.
Official Box Scores
Gameplay scores and event points are labeled separately. This ledger reflects the corrected record.
Official champion BLUE 43
—
Runner-up RED 41
Counter-Strike 2
Event points: Blue 20 — Red 8 Games: Blue 8–3, Blue 8–5
Player
Series K/D/A
MVP
Viking
27/10/2
10
Swarley
20/13/5
6
Mankswolf
8/20/8
0
KP
18/19/5
5
Megles
14/19/3
1
Fenner
11/17/1
2
Rocket League
Event points: Red 16 — Blue 11 Games: Red 4–0, Blue 5–2, Red 6–4
Player
G
A
Saves
KP
6
2
5
Fenner
6
1
1
Swarley
6
1
1
Viking
3
4
3
Stick Scholars
Corrected event points: Blue 10 — Red 5
Player
Points
Swarley
5
Mankswolf
4
Viking
1
KP
4
Megles
1
Fenner
0
Round 1 Best Sleuth: No One. The original ledger's KP +3 is excluded.
League of Legends · ARAM
Event points: Red 12 — Blue 2 Winner: Red, playing two-against-three
Player
K/D/A
Damage
KP
12/6/6
33,179
Fenner
12/6/10
52,847
Swarley
5/6/6
43,777
Mankswolf
5/9/7
54,131
Viking
2/9/6
10,392
Game
Blue
Red
Counter-Strike 2
20
8
Rocket League
11
16
Stick Scholars
10
5
ARAM
2
12
OFFICIAL TOTAL
43
41
Editor's note
You Guys Rock.
I've been looking forward to doing something like Noob League for a long time. After two events, it has already exceeded what I hoped it could be.
Thank you for showing up, trying strange games, enduring technical difficulties, stepping away when real life called, and coming back ready to laugh about all of it. The competition is fun, but the best part is having good people willing to spend an afternoon being enthusiastically mediocre together.
Event #2 gave us a two-against-three comeback, a scoreboard correction, and an excellent reminder to keep recording everything. More importantly, it gave us another day I'm genuinely grateful we had.
—KP
Next up
EVENT #3
August 23, 2026 · 12:30 PM
Join us on Discord. Play what you can. Spectate what you can't. Disappear briefly if a Batman-related investigation requires your attention.
IN THE LAB: a better website · live-scoreboard improvements · player trading cards
